Joke #1 A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.
The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"
Joke #2 A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
Steal my heart and hold my tongue. I feel my time, my time has come. Let me in, unlock the door. I've never felt this way before.
The wheels just keep on turning, The drummer begins to drum, I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know which way I've come.
Hold my head inside your hands, I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears, For you, I've waited all these years.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come. Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come, and set me free, Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
In your tears and in your blood, In your fire and in your flood,I hear you laugh, I heard you sing, "I wouldn't change a single thing."
The wheels just keep on turning, The drummers begin to drum, I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know what I've become.
For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my days, my days are done. Say you'll come and set me free, Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.